My first test of motherhood was the supervised hospital bath. Holding this slippery tiny flailing creature I thought I was a natural, only to be told by the midwife that I would be doing even better if I kept her head above the water line. Only 12 hours old and I was googling ‘water ..submersion...infants...long term effects’. Turns out Google would become a regular feature in my life in the months to come.
Anyway my husband was not to be outdone by my recent accidental drowning attempt and soon we faced our next obstacle...nail clipping. Her face was beginning to look like she had fought with the next door neighbour’s cat and concerned that social services would pay a visit we bit the bullet. Could we find the baby nail scissors.....could we fuck. My husband found a set of clippers. I held he clipped. One..two..three....ooooh fuck there goes the top of her finger. Pandemonium ensues. I phone NHS 24 screaming about amputated extremities (for a laugh when she’s older I think I may try and recover the transcript) and we are told to get our arses to A&E and stem the blood with a tea towel. Turns out on closer inspection by the A&E nurse that it was barely a nick. We are given an antiseptic wipe and told to beat it.
Another hurdle jumped was our first jobby disaster or jobbgate as I like to call it. I think every new mum has a jobby story i.e. when your wean decides to shit itself in the most embarrassing circumstances. So this is my story. We were in the midst of the newborn exhausted haze and my cousin and her new boyfriend had offered to cook for us. So there we all are sitting around the dinner table and unbeknown to me jobby starts seeping out the wean’s nappy and vest. Meal finishes, I stand up and I kid you not jobby lands on the dinner table and then onto the floor and carpet when I start running about like a mentalist with the wean screaming ‘Oh my god ...get this shit off me, just get it off’. I strip off..the new boyfriend thinks I am a lunatic but I don’t care at this point as I am literally covered in shite. Needless to say they have never came over since. My mother in law after hearing this story has now kindly donated plastic aprons and gloves she nicked from the care home her sister works in. Now I get kitted out if I suspect a jobbython.
The tumche as you can see likes to test us and another fun game she likes to play with us is....I won’t sleep no matter what you will do/buy/read you daft bint. Sleep deprivation in its extreme is harrowing to say the least as I am sure you all know. One good thing that comes out of this is the hilarious, maybe not at the time things which happen as a result. I have compiled a list of things I have done in a sleep deprived state-
- Went to the supermarket for weekly shop, can’t pay as have forgotten all pin codes for credit/debit cards
- Tried to put my husband to sleep by rubbing his cheek in bed and saying sshhhhh
- Finding my purse in the freezer
- Accusing hospital security of stealing my iphone while it is in my pocket (this was mortifying and I spent the remainder of my time there apologising profusely)
- Having my tit hanging out (by accident) when speaking to her consultant
- Putting dirty nappies in the washing basket
I could probably go on forever about all our trials and tribulations but the wee yin is stirring and I have maybe 5 minutes more to run about the house like I’m on crack before all hell breaks loose. Thank feck Daddy is on duty tonight and I can get my beak into some vino.
P.S My thoughts are this will all be worth it when they are teenagers. I can’t wait to see the tumche’s face when I tell her first boyfriend she shat on the dining room table! Payback my darling daughter is so very sweet.....