Me, hubby, Frazer and Eilidh. Except Frazer & Eilidh are not our only children. Before Frazer there was Bean, Stiglet and Baby. Miscarriage is such a taboo, never talked about, but the truth is in order to understand it you must discuss it. Bean was our honeymoon baby. Conceived out of love and meant to bring excitement for our first Christmas as a married couple. 6 weeks in I started bleeding – not a lot but a slow steady trickle. A trip to the Victoria infirmary confirmed our worst fears. A scan wasn’t even required as poor wee Bean left his world before I could get an appointment for one.
We threw ourselves into Christmas, house hunting and never really dwelled on that poor wee soul (or so we thought). A few months later we were expecting Stiglet. All was going well until the dreaded spotting started about 7 weeks. Off we went to Hairmyers EPU this time, our hearts heavy. But Stiglet was there! The wee heart fluttering away – but we were advised caution. The size for dates wasn’t entirely matching and as much as that wee heart was flickering on the screen, a rate of 110 bpm was not normal. We were booked in for a scan the following week. The spotting stopped and we felt positive but as soon as the midwife started scanning we knew it was over. “I’m so sorry” she begins. “Your little baby has passed away”. But how? Why? Check again? I wanted to scream over and over but nothing would come out. We drove home – I sent my hubby to work and I lay in bed crying,shouting. He came home an hour later – he had just been driving around crying too. Finally we cried together and shouted about how unfair it was. Worst of all our best friends gave birth to their first baby on this awful day. We were good people, had good jobs, loved each other – why should we not be parents?! A week passed – no bleeding. I was sent to wishaw to “discuss the options”. While we waited to be seen we sat with others. Some clutching scan pictures and maternity notes, others looking forlorn like us. Has their baby died too?? I opted for medical management of a missed miscarriage. This is when your body doesn’t expel the foetus and continues to think you’re pregnant. By this point I was over 9 weeks and had awful morning sickness. How fucking unfair eh?! I was admitted the following Saturday, had to take pills (so called abortion pills) to induce bleeding and contractions. These didn’t work either so was back in to have pessaries inserted to my cervix. Horrendous labour type pains, clots – you name it. I was bleeding a lot and had to stay overnight but EPAS is only a day ward so I was shipped into ward 23. Ironically the same ward I was in post natally later on. Thankfully in a side room but I could still hear the tiny newborns crying for their mummies. A lovely Australian midwife sat with me most of night. We bitched about our employers, she made me laugh but also cried with me about how unfair this whole situation was. To cut a very long story short Stiglet was a stubborn wee thing. It took another 10 weeks and lots of scans and appointments before I was no longer secreting the pregnancy hormone. My employer was less than sympathetic. Hubby and I sought counsel from the charity Saying Goodbye and things got better. We talked a lot about Stiglet and Bean in the coming months. I fell pregnant again very quickly but my body wasn’t ready and Baby faced the same quick fate as Bean. Hairmyers were fantastic at helping us cope with that loss and were quick to instigate all the necessary testing for people who have had 3 or more miscarriages. All our tests were clear but we decided to stop trying for a while. As it approached Bonfire night we decided to release some lanterns – 1 for each of our babies. We burned the laminate flooring in the kitchen of our new house in doing so lol.
It’s important to acknowledge and remember these wee humans – our 3 are also in the sky. We have 3 stars names after them J The rest is history so they say.
Little Frazer our rainbow baby was a happy surprise and little Miss Eilidh followed 22 months after his birth. I will always think of our other 3. We are family xx